College Girl

If a man empties his purse into his head, no one can take it from him.
~Benjamin Franklin

Last semester I decided to reenter the learning world. I had been debating the issue for quite some time. I have a career that I love and really did not see any reason for it. However, I have always wondered what I missed by going the vocational school route. Honestly, I do not think too much was missed.

I look at some of the essays that I am reading and wonder what I am missing. Why does the writing have to be so fancy and high level. Half the stuff I am reading I do not understand and this is a Lit in Pop Culture class! Shouldn't I be able to at least read the stuff if it is pop culture?

Then there are the discussion boards. These things make me doubt my intelligence some days. Classmates are going on and on about deep issues involved within a paragraph of the thing I could not understand. Then I sit back and wonder what am I missing? Am I not sophisticated enough to understand Cyborg Techno-babble Political Feminism?

At that point I sit back and realize smarts have nothing to do with it. Everyone's thought process is different and the same person who can decipher this insanely long article of no meaning probably cannot tell me how a four cylinder motor works or how to make Grandma's Chicken Dumpling Soup. Time to stop beating myself up on the smarts thing. So what if I don't get what they are trying to make me see. I am taking away something from it even if it is my own unique spin.

Valentine's Girl

Happiness is a mystery like religion, and it should never be rationalized.

~ G.K. Chesterton

.

I need to take that quote and write it in every nook and cranny of my apartment! When I look for an entry quote I do not know what I am looking for. I have an idea, a theme of where I want to go, but rarely do I know exactly what nugget of info I am going to find. This one is practically an entire mine!

.

I am self critical. (I doubt there is anyone who is not.) There are just a whole lot of people who hide it a hell of a lot better than I do. I'm expressive and often have my expression misread. My thoughtful pose is often interpretted as a scowl. This confuses me, but I've learned that a lot of people do not ponder things constantly.

.

But back to the quote. This Girl has found someone at last. Someone who loves her quirkiness and intelligence. Someone who thinks she is beautiful even if there are a few extra pounds on the hips. And this Girl is Happy!

.

I'm not making this post an overly gushy, "this guy is amazing, he does this, this, and this...blah, blah, blah." (Even though he really is!) That is not why I started Broken Girl. I do intend to go back to the Girl Meets Boy drama and tell it to the end, as well as, the disasters that followed. (Have not even hit the Year of Insanity yet!)

.

Sunday is Valentine's and I wanted a happier post is all. I finally came to terms with the thought I might be single for a very long time. I realized that it might not be a bad thing. I was going to have fun doing it and so what if it was a little lonely? I have amazing friends and family who support me, and are willing to give me a kick in the ass when I beat myself up. Of course, when I get comfy, is when someone walks into my life who makes all the stories of what Love is supposed to be seem entirely possible.

.

I do not want to pick apart this new relationship and figure out why I am happy. I think that might be why it will work. Also, I do not want to sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop-- what a waste of time!

.

So faithful readers: Find what makes you happy! Go and do it, do not try and justify it or rationalize it because then you are killing the magic of it! (I will pause and add a disclaimer that these methods of happiness should hopefully be within the standard set of laws and should not cause yourself or anyone else harm nor break your bank account!)

.

Happy Valentine's Day! If you have a special someone hold them tight and tell them what they mean to you. If you find yourself alone this year, stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself. Ignore all the bits you hate or bitch about and see what is really awesome about you. Love yourself and someone will wonder what they are missing by not loving you. ~_^

The Girl Pays Tribute: Buddy Holly

Raining in My Heart

.

The sun is out - the sky is blue

there’s not a cloud to spoil the view

but it’s raining - raining in my heart

.

The weather man says clear today

he doesn’t know you’ve gone away

and it’s raining - raining in my heart

.

Oh, misery - misery what’s gonna become of me

I tell my blues they musn’t show

but soon these tears are bound to flow

cause it’s raining - raining in my heart

.

But it’s raining - raining in my heart

And it’s raining - raining in my heart

.

~Buddy Holly

.

Today is February 3, 2010, marking the fifty-first anniversary of the day the music died. On this date in 1959 a small plane carrying Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper crashed outside of Clear Lake Iowa. No one survived the crash.

.

I was introduced to Buddy Holly's music in high school. There was something to mix of blues and rock and roll that appealed to me. I was born over a generation from his time but then, music is timeless. My Junior year I paid tribute to this man with a forensics speech. Admittedly, it fit the criteria for the category: Write a eulogy for someone who benefitted the entertainment industry. I didn't know that I would learn so much! It's been years since that speech, I can only remember a few details and sadly cannot rewrite it in its entirity, but this day still holds meaning to me.

.

Born Charles Hardin Holley on Labor Day of 1936 in Lubbox, Texas, he would later use his childhood nickname of Buddy to perform. His career lasted only a year and a half before the crash but in tha time he made changes to the music industry. He was an innovator. Creating techniques in the studio that are now common place.

.

Years pass by and the roots of everything seem to fade away. I know I will always look on this date and remember a man who was gone long before my time, but who left a legacy in music that holds to my heart. If you've never listened to a Buddy Holly and the Crickets song, or Ritchie Valen or the Big Bopper, I recommend taking a few moments today and do so. The music world lost three shining stars in one day. Who can imagine what they could do if they had survived?

.

Coincidentally, the year that I gave my speech, our home meet was on February 3rd. I made the finals and my tribute ranked me second place in the category.

.

I was amazed to find this live performance video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQiIMuOKIzY

In 1986 Buddy Holly was inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. For a much better

http://www.rockhall.com/inductee/buddy-holly

Boy Meets Girl Act 4 Truth and Trust

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

I pose a question to you dear readers: If you know something about your significant other's past and are okay with it, are you required to tell your family?

My ex had a past that was less than clean. I had found out about it by accident when I went through the state circuit court website. I asked him about it and his response, although it is not necessarily a good thing, was acceptable to me. I went ahead and ignored this issue. However, my dad used the same method and found out what I knew. What happened next was the start of a downward spiral.

Dad considered it all a lie. My ex was lazy and could not do anything right. He would take shortcuts in helping Dad and spent most of the time smoking and none working. Eventually he had enough and we were kicked out. So the grand plan was done. I had given up my job and apartment and done what was asked of me and found myself on the street. Actually, had I been willing to ditch my boyfriend then I would have been all right. But I was young, stupid, and in love.

My Grandparents let us stay with them but I was already starting to crack. A whirlwind of events were beginning. Because of it my new job was starting to falter. My ex was attempting to find work, but needed a car.

He talked me into finding a house instead of finding an apartment. So at the age of 21, with no down payment or money in the bank, I was the owner of a house. The paperwork was far too easy to have go through.

Less than a month after the paperwork was signed, I lost my job. My ex caused that, he had managed to talk a friend into lending him the money for a car and he used his free time that should have been finding a job to come bother me at work. It was used in a list of offenses that were false.

I was facing huge loans and a house and no money coming in. This led to a year of temp jobs and working retail. I still was not snapping out of the delusion though.

Girl Meets Boy Act 3 Moving Home

For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move.

~Robert Louis Stevenson

Three months is a pretty good amount of time to gauge a partner. It is fair to say that my relationship was not healthy and if I were to remain sane I should end it. Two things prevented this: 1 I was incredibly stubborn and did not believe that I could be wrong, with a little effort I could make it work; and 2 Dad wanted to move.

After school I came back to the midwest. Why I would give up the warmth of the desert for the chilly winters can be answered in one word: Family. I had spent nearly two years away from everyone I had ever known. Even though I had made friends, some of which are with me still, I wanted the comfort of those who knew me from birth. However, I ended up getting bed-ridden sick for five months after my return and it took some recovery time before I could find a job. When I did it was 100 miles from home. I spent three months traveling back and forth before I could afford an apartment.

I had established myself. The job was rocky and I was a rookie and a girl in a male dominated field. It was not smooth sailing but I was eeking out my exsistance. I was nearing a year with the job when wanderlust hit Dad. He was tired of life around here. He wanted to go WEST. He wasn't happy being alone, running his business and having no one there. So he had a plan. I and my boyfriend would move back home. I would get a job at the local dealership, buy the house and the boyfriend would buy out Dad's business.

This was three months into the relationship. This plan required a lot sacrifice and cementing. As the dutiful daughter I did it. I packed up my apartment, broke my lease, quit my job (after securing one at the local dealership), and the two of us moved home. This situation does not make it easy to end a relationship. The guy gave up his life and family to move the 100 miles to be with me. What girl doesn't see the sacrifice? How does that not cement the idea that this is meant to be?

Girl Meets Boy Act 2 Three Sorta Good Months

We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love- first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage.
~Albert Camus


The next few entries are going to be some of the hardest for me. I'm going to be admitting to being incredibly stupid and naive. I am hoping that those reading this will gain something from it and hopefully be able to avoid making some of my mistakes in their own relationships.

Arguably the first three months were the best of the forty-two months we were together. It was all sparkling clean and new. Finally someone saw me as a woman. More like someone saw me as a love-lorn sucker.

Some things to note: he had just ended a relationship with a long-term girlfriend meaning I was rebound. He did not have his license or a car; too many speeding and/or parking tickets. He did not have a job. The reasoning behind this one was puzzling. The story I was given is as follows:

He did everything for his ex. He paid all the bills, bought her whatever she wanted, treated her like a queen. He got sick of doing this so he quit his job so she would get off her butt and do something. Looking back at this I see how incredibly naive I was to think this was remotely a good thing.

But I was giddy with fresh love and willing to overlook all of these 'minor' things. Who knew if it would even last?

So the days fell into a routine. I would leave for work in the morning and he would either leave with me or I'd go home at lunch to let him out. Yep, instead of letting the dog out on break I was letting the boyfriend out. *facepalm* I would then get done with work around six and we would meet in the parking lot of a local bank. He didn't have a phone either, so I never had a way to get in contact with him. So it was a thrilling anticipation of whether or not he would show or if I was to be alone that marked my evening drive home. Sadly, this is a feeling that I've associated with relationships and am becoming more and more disappointed.

Then we'd go back to my apartment and watch movies. Occasionally we'd go out to eat or go shopping. All these excursions paid for by yours truly. He kept telling me that in his time between leaving my apt and returning he was searching for a job and without seeing proof, such as an application, I believed him. Eventually he talked me into getting an additional line for my cell phone to make it easier to contact. The desperation that I spoke of in one of the High School entries was coming out. I was blind to all the manipulation that was being played on me hard core.

During this time there were still dealings with his ex. She was supposedly pregnant and considering an abortion and wanted him to pay. After claiming no money she went away and admitted to having slept with someone else so it probably wasn't his.

All this I turned a blind eye to. I had a very odd since of what a relationship was supposed to be. I thought that if you toughed it out and stuck through the hard stuff it would get better and you'd be doubly rewarded for it. >.< Not quite the case because if I knew what would come I'd have left him at the mall the first night.

My apartment was above a strip mall and there was a gaming place in that mall. He started disappearing and going there for hours. Some nights he wasn't coming back to the apt. I started to get crazy wondering what I was doing wrong. He finally admitted that he had started drinking again. The one thing he did right was not come by intoxicated.

Then a new problem popped up. In a weird circular fashion, the owner of the gaming shop went to the same high school as me. Yup, 100 miles from home and still found someone from my small town roots. He was older and I never knew him from school but we had mutual friends. Well, the owner had some issues that resulted in an arrest and a bunch of people stayed at the shop while he was away, including his girlfriend. This chick was really pretty and I knew the boy liked her. She first claimed they had sex then claimed rape. Either way, it led to this guy using the back steps of the shop up to my apartment and pretty much invading my home to make threats.

I still don't know the truth of the story. I don't know if he cheated on me with her; I doubt it was rape she was known for her stories and there were other people present. He claimed he was too drunk to do anything anyway. The worst part of this? The fact that I wondered what was wrong with me that he would look elsewhere...

Girl Meets Boy: A Farce of Three and a Half Years...

I used to be snow-white... but I drifted.

~Mae West

Act 1 The Meeting

The Scene: Outside the local mall. It is a drizzly fall day. The leaves have long left the trees and winter is around the corner, but still a month or so before the snow is ready to fall.

.

The Cast:

The Girl: just off of work and going to return a shirt that runs a little small. She hasn't even taken the time to get out of her work shirt because it should only be a simple exchange.

.

The Boy: dumped earlier that morning by his previous fiance with nothing better to do than hang out in front of the mall smoking a cigarette.

.

The Girl approaches the mall quickly trying to avoid the few rain drops that are beginning. It is still warm enough to go without a jacket but the breeze is starting as evening sets in. As she makes her way to the entrance her eyes meet those of the Boy and she finds she cannot look away. They smile at each other and he comments on the weather. She returns with some witty remark and the connection is made.

.

He enters the mall with her and they go to return the shirt. What follows is several hours of giddiness going around the mall. The Girl is amazed at how easy this all is. How easily she gets along with the Boy and he seems genuinely interested in her. All the red flags about his previous relationship are nothing to her because he sees her.

.

If only she understood what he really sees. If only I knew what was meant to follow. And so the euphoria of the night was not to end. For the first time someone looked at me as a woman and I went with it. I actually met his mother the same night I meant him. The steps of courtship blown away and if I'd been smart, I'd have left him at his mother's but that was not how it was written and on that night the next three years began.