Everybody sees me as this sullen and insecure little thing. Those are just the sides of me that I feel it's necessary to show because no one else seems to be showing them.
~Fiona Apple
This quote resonates with me. I think that I portrayed a sullen person for quite some time, to the point I really do not know what else I am supposed to be. I watched so many people be bouncy and happy, and I could never figure out how they did it. It seemed so fake to me. I get nervous around people like that. I understand that in a vast majority of cases they are hiding their true selves behind this facade.
I know that I have my own facade though. I'm just a bit better at hiding it. I have an inferiority complex. While try to not portray this, I have always felt others were better than me. Growing up I was the girl that got picked up from school in a dump truck. I'm the girl who's parents divorced when I was ten. This doesn't seem like such a huge thing in today's society, but I grew up in a Christian school where divorce was a huge NO-NO, so this forged a sense of not belonging. Even after switching schools I was the odd ball. Still the daughter of a salvage man and the girl that wore Harley T-shirts. It was my twenties that I realized there was such a thing as women's shirts that were cut for women.
I never became a part of a group, but ventured from group to group. I never felt like I belonged to any of them. I just did my own thing. I went out with a high school friend and she told me that she respected me because I did that. I teared up when I heard that. I spent so much time feeling like I was unnoticed and in the shadows, when it wasn't the case. People did see. They may not have said anything at the time, but I made an impression. I still have friend's who tell me their parent's ask what ever happened to the girl who was going to work on motorcycles.
I guess I never gave myself the credit that I mattered. Now that seems a lifetime ago. I spent a few years lost and living just for the basics in life, but now, now I can move past that. Self actualization is a possibility. I kept in the shadows and away from people, now I crave interaction with others.
This may be why I don't mind working sales now. I get to meet lots of different people and I've put my time in so I don't need to feel inferior. If a customer feels that I don't know what I'm talking about, that's not my fault. They are ignorant. I've been in the industry eight years now, with three in my present position, I think I have a handle on it. If I don't know something, I am now able to ask for help and not feel ashamed.
Despite all this, I have public mask. My fiance points it out when he visits me at work or overhears me on the phone. My voice raises in pitch and I tend to fake a lot of smiles. I'm not a bubbly person but I'm not a sullen person. I just am me. This comes across as condescending and aloof, and that hurts me that that is how people see me. I have told my manager on numerous occasions that if I could have a personality transplant I would. Not because I feel much of it needs to change; but so I could relate to others. I do not fit into the mold that everyone expects a person to present. Even if it isn't socially acceptable, I hold to my own opinions.
Luckily, I found someone who loves my quirkiness. I'm tired of beating my head against the wall trying to be something I'm not. I know that how I see myself is higher than I really am, but it's still obtainable. I also have people that will keep me grounded. I fool myself as much as I try to fool others.
image is the work of Dana Fradon The New Yorker May 1, 1965
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