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Published Girl
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Happy Girl
I haven't posted on Broken Girl in a very long time, over a year in fact. Part of the reason is so much has happened in that year. Kevin and I were married 1-11-12 so I spent 2012 learning to be a wife to a wonderful man. I also graduated in May. I now have an Associates Degree in Supervisory Management.
NaNoWriMo Girl
~John Steinbeck
I have been in a total writers block for quite some time. I haven't felt like writing anything whether it be a blog post, a short story, or a poem. Nothing has been coming to my brain. Then two of my friends from my Arizona Writer's Round Table started chatting about NaNoWriMo on Facebook. This was something that I had never heard of before. For those who don't know, NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month and it occurs every November since 1999. As the picture above kind of demonstrates you have 30 days to write 50,000 words! There are no cash prizes or fancy plaques at the end of it. Winning is reaching the goal. Self satisfaction in completing the task.
The concept intrigued me and the more I read statuses between my friends I was drawn in. So without really knowing what I was getting into I decided to give it a try. This was what I needed to get back into writing and it recharged my brain. I got more out of this experience than a manuscript.
1. Writing is not the solitary activity I had always thought it to be. I didn't partake in any of the regional events that occur, but perhaps next year I will. I did play around on the forums, but that isn't a medium I really enjoy and honestly, forums confuse me. I did have the support and encouragement from the two friends who got me involved, as well as family and other friends. I also got to hang out with Marlene who is one of my writing buddies and I haven't spent 4 hours in a coffee shop bouncing ideas off someone in a long time; having that feedback was so amazing! I don't know if any of those supporters know how important that cheering was to me getting through this month.
2. Kevin can put
up with my flights of fancy even when it means the apartment isn't cleaned for a month and still love me even if it completely frustrates him and he doesn't fully understand how I can zone out while writing and not hear him when he's less than two feet away from me.
3. The dry spell of writing may finally be over! (Thanks to Cyndi for being the muse that got me into this entire process)
4. I can do amazing things when I put my mind to it. Ten years ago I had a goal of 500 words a day to finish Dragonchild and I've already rewritten it completely once, with Kalahtaya I averaged 1,881 words. I still haven't a conclusion to the book and it drives me crazy because it is not my usual style of writing and to me feels like its dragging but is actually building to something. I just wish I knew what that something is.
5. My friends are incredibly patient with me posting my updates. I used my facebook profile as an accountability meter. I would post my daily progress with the day count and the total. I clarified that it was my intention because I realized it could be taken as incredibly arrogant. In this process though, I did realize how they way you look at things makes a world of difference. I recorded where I was in the process. For example:
Day 22: 1,311 words
Total: 42,579 words
I focused on how far I had come instead of how much was left. (In case my friend reads this, please know I am just pointing out an observation and not critiquing.) Instead of saying: 7421 words to go. For me I think the second statement would have felt insurmountable. This was a huge step for me. I am horrible at positive thinking and this month inadvertently showed me the difference in perception and made me feel confidant and happy in each days works. Even days that yielded a mere 200 words I didn't get down on myself.
6. I have habits in my writing. Groups of three and names that end in ah or eh sounds are incredibly prominent. I purposely changed names just to try and get away from this, but the power of three is very strong in my writing. My heroine in Dragonchild traveled with two companions the entire book, even when the original ones bowed out they were replaced to keep with the threes, oh and her name is Eva. In this story the town is Kalahtaya, the main character is Kitra and her granddaughter is Marlea. I have also rewritten the mythology of the first book which means continuity is going to be hard pressed to streamline. This was also the first time I've written an entire story with a character name that I am really disliking, but feel at this point changing it might be wrong even if I don't feel he owns the name or if it's just because it ends in ah and I want to break pattern.
7. I am terrified of editing this since it was so insane writing this and I can't say for sure what I wrote. Maybe I do need to back off and start editing in the hopes that a conclusion will occur. Especially since this went a complete opposite direction of what I had hoped. Originally, Marlea was the main character, but Kitra elbowed her way into the spotlight.
7. I am terrified of editing this since it was so insane writing this and I can't say for sure what I wrote. Maybe I do need to back off and start editing in the hopes that a conclusion will occur. Especially since this went a complete opposite direction of what I had hoped. Originally, Marlea was the main character, but Kitra elbowed her way into the spotlight.
PS: I'm sorry the formatting is crappy, I'm having trouble with things working together properly.
Grandpa's Girl
Grandpas always have time for you when everyone else is too busy.
~Unknown
First, Happy Father's Day to all the fathers and grandfathers out there. I guess that it is appropriate that today is the day that I gathered the courage to write this. On June 4th I lost one of the most important men in my life. My grandpa, Morbe John Schneidewend. There is always the official obituary that lists all those who are left behind, and those who proceeded him in death, but it seems so short when I think of everything that Grandpa did in his life and all the things that I never knew and probably won't know about him.
In previous posts I've explained the chaos that was my youth. There was one constant in that storm and that was my grandma and grandpa's house. My sister and I were dropped off there almost every morning during elementary school. Grandma would make whatever I wanted for breakfast. It is part of the reason that I can't stomach French Toast anymore after eating it for a year straight. In other words, I spent a lot of time at their house. Before our clan got to large, every Easter, Christmas Eve, and Thanksgiving brought the entire family together. For the first eight years of my life I was the youngest of the cousins which meant I was the target of much hair pulling and teasing, but those gatherings were some of the happiest times.
Even during my parent's divorce I looked forward to them, except for one Christmas Eve that was a horrible misunderstanding that had my mom not show up. I was devastated and in tears and while everyone was trying to get me to smile and be ok, Grandpa came to my aid and told them to leave me alone. That is one of my strongest memories of him. He was my defender and protector against the bad things.
The picture above is Grandma and Grandpa's wedding picture. They celebrated their 66th wedding anniversary the day before a horrible stroke struck Grandpa. When I got the voicemail from Mom to call her ASAP on Saturday, I thought the worse. He was in the hospital but the prognosis was not good. I was fortunate to have a coworker take my Sunday shift and Kevin and I went up to visit. Pretty much everyone was there. I don't think the ICU unit had seen that many people for one person for some time. The sign on the door saying two visitors in the room at any given time was ignored. It had been years since I had seen some of my cousins and some of my second cousins I hadn't even met, but for this event we made sure to be there. Those from out of town drove as fast as they could and those out of state tried to make arrangements to be there.
The stroke was very severe and knowing how stubborn he was the family knew he would not want to be on a feeding tube and a living shell. It became a horrible waiting game at that point. Kevin and I stayed at the hospital until seven Sunday night. When I was about to leave I leaned over and gave Grandpa a parting kiss on the cheek and told him I loved him. For the only time in the hours that I had been there he tried to speak, and I don't care what my aunt says, he told me he loved me in those mumbled words.
At 5:30am Monday morning I got the call that he passed away. I suppose this was a blessing that he wasn't in such a state for very long. My grandma refused to leave his side that night. 66 years together after all. I think my cousin, Kathleen, said it best "It's not the fact that he's dieing it's the fact that my grandma stays by his side for worse or for poor, For over 66 years of marriage! My grandpa lived an amazing life! A life of faith, hard work and was putting people before himself! I am blessed to be able to have him in my life and for as long as I had! He will be missed but he will soar on the wings of eagles!"
The rest of the week was a blur. I wanted to do something to memorialize Grandpa and the best thing I could think of was to plant a lilac bush. My grandparent's house is surrounded by lilacs. Every year Grandpa and I would clip bouquets for Grandma, so the lilac bush was fitting. It is not easy to find one so late in the season, and asking for violets at Home Depot is evidently a cardinal sin. I managed to get a viola plant with seven little flowers on it that looked close enough to violets. I spent the day before the funeral with my sister, nephew, and brother-in-law at Grandma's. I gave Grandma three of the violets. The rest were for Grandpa. I put them i the breast pocket of his suit like so many other little hand made bouquets I had given him as a little girl.
That is all the sadness surrounding the end of Grandpa's life, but what of all the happiness? How selfish are we in our grief? My grandpa taught me as much about hard work and play as my own father, if not more. He spent hours taking apart electric motors for just a little bit of copper. He was climbing into his tree stand up until he was eighty years old. He was stubborn. Like a lot of older people he preferred not to take his pills and would cancel his birthday. He would eat entire meals without his dentures because he thought they felt funny.
But he also let a little girl climb around the wood pile and find little pieces of wood that she could hammer together into homemade giraffes and horses. He would take her strawberry picking and fill buckets with berries. He would let her take things apart beside him and go hunting for worms in the garden. He took an old tire and built her a tire swing because she wanted one like the one at school. My favorite memory was when my sister was moving from Oregon to Boston my mom threw together a baby shower for her even though my nephew was already born and it was the first time the family was seeing him, while everyone was running around, Grandpa, Dad, and I sat outside staring at the clouds. With all the halabaloo that quiet moment of picking out shapes mattered the most.
As an adult, my grandparents helped me out of some hard times financially and even when I got my feet under me he would force me to take money because I needed to pay for gas so I could visit him more. I am so glad I made those extra trips even if it was hard to see such a strong man shuffling around the house and my grandma's onsetting Alzheimer's. We would sit and watch the birds and squirrels and put together puzzles. I'm glad I would stop, turn around and give extra kisses and hugs, I guess I was stock piling them for now.
Me, My Sis, Grandpa, Grandpa, and My Nephew
Sis and I joked that we had the monopoly with our grandparents,
She was Grandma's, I was Grandpa's
Morbe J. Schneidewend, age 86, was called to eternal life on Monday morning, June 4, 2012. Morbe was born in Waupaca County on December 20, 1925, son of the late Paul and Ella (Drath) Schneidewend. On June 1, 1946, he married Frances Wied in Bear Creek, and the couple celebrated 66 years together just this past Friday. As a young man he worked on a local farm, and over the years had a variety of different jobs. He delivered milk in the Clintonville area, worked at Neenah Foundry, Manhattan Rubber Company, Kimberly Clark, and retired from Stowe Woodward. Everyone will remember Morbe as a very hard working man with a great work ethic. Morbe loved to hunt and fish, and was a dedicated and faithful member of Bethel Ev. Lutheran Church in Menasha. In recent years, he loved to spend time on his porch, watching the birds and other critters at the feeder.Morbe is survived by his wife: Frances of Neenah; six children: Sheldon (Barb) of Menasha; Rodney (Sharon) of Hortonville; Peggy (Steve) Dillenberg of Greenville; Holly of Appleton; Timothy (Paula) of Grand Chute; and Tierney (Frank) Seebantz of Arbor Vitae; twelve grandchildren, twenty-two great-grandchildren, and one great-great-grandchild; six brothers and sisters: Leland (Florence) of Menasha; Leo and his companion Pat of Milwaukee; Gladys Reinke of Sugar Bush; Lila Knack of Maryland; Art (Caroline) of Neenah; and Paul (Ann) of Clintonville; four sisters-in-law: Valeria Fletcher of New London; Bernice Young of New London; Irene Schneidewend of Cecil; and Helen Wied of Appleton. Morbe was preceded in death by his parents, and infant son, sisters: Violet and Reverna (Robert) Beyer; brothers: Philip, Clarence (Magdalen) Eric (Pat) and Lloyd; brother-in-law: Robert Reinke, Robert Knack, Gene Fletcher, Lloyd Young, Peter (Gloria) Wied, Llewellyn Wied, and Willard (Mabel) Wied; and sisters-in-law: Shirley Schneidewend, Marion (Hank) Lindemann, Sylvia (Winfred) Knutson, and Beatrice Wied.
College Girl
You can teach a student a lesson for a day; but if you can teach him to learn by creating curiosity, he will continue the learning process as long as he lives.
~ Clay P. Bedford
It has been a very long time since my last post. I was surprised that everything for posting was reformatted, but I'll muddle my way through. So why has it been so long? School and work and life. So much has been happening this year. Also, I needed sometime to let events get farther into my past so I can be more comfortable telling them. I still have a year of insanity that I wanted to recount and another disaster of a relationship. After those downers I wanted to go into my silver lining story about the man who has changed my life in two years into something I could never have imagined.
But for now, I'm just wanting finals week to be over. On Sunday I graduate with my Associates Degree in Supervisory Management. There's one more test between now and then, and I should be studying for it but I just really want to take a nap. It's scheduled for way too early in the morning so no late night cramming. Where I go with my education I have no clue. It took me ten years after high school to get something other than a technical certification, so it'll probably be another ten years for me to do something more.
Any suggestions as to what to do with all the new free time I'm going to have since I won't be studying anymore? I'm looking forward to reading something that isn't assigned.
Girl on a Political Soapbox
I claim that human mind or human society is not divided into watertight compartments called social, political and religious. All act and react upon one another.
~Mohandas Gandhi
We are more thoroughly an enlightened people, with respect to our political interests, than perhaps any other under heaven. Every man among us reads, and is so easy in his circumstances as to have leisure for conversations of improvement and for acquiring information.
~Benjamin Franklin
Admittedly, I usually avoid talking about topics political, but there is a reason I am driven to make this post: my brain won't shut down and let me sleep because it is thinking about this over and over again.
What is causing this? It starts with a comment that was left on a friend's Facebook status that said: they say there are 2 kinds of republicans. rich ones and dumb ones. (That is typed exactly as it was typed in the comment) When I first read this statement I was very angry. I felt the person writing it to be incredibly judgmental, juvenile, and, honestly, an idiot. One thing I would like the reader to know, I don't fully consider myself a Republican. I am not far right, nor am I far left. I have my set of values that lead me to be Conservative in many of my positions and views. Needless, to say this means that I do feel attacked when people make such broad statements as this. This person doesn't know me, she is a friend of a friend. She doesn't care who sees what she says and that's part of what angered me.
As said, I don't usually speak up about politics because it leads to such backlash and no one really wins. Especially now that my state is in a huge political upheaval because many are unhappy with the way the elected Governor has been doing things. That is neither here nor there to what I am writing about though. It is the way people that are conducting themselves that is horrible. People are allowed to speak their minds, but they don't even bother with tact anymore. They don't care how others may react nor do they take the time to consider another side of things. I have been trying to be open minded and listen to the arguments of those who disagree with me, but it is really hard when they don't give me the same respect. They lump me into a political party and don't care what I personally might believe. They don't listen to counter arguments that they can't fight, instead they go back to the same old recitations without furthering the discussion. What's worse, is a lot of them aren't thinking for themselves. They have been told what to think and how to act and not question what they have been told. All the while, they say the same thing about the other side.
It is going to be a long election year coupled with a possible recall vote in this state. This is almost as bad as the last Presidential race where all I wanted to do was hide under the bed and wait for the world to end with the poll closures. We wonder why politicians can't get along on the state or federal level, while we watch the average person combat those of the opposing party. We call for an end to bipartisanship, then complain when the elected official votes against party lines. We act surprised when an elected official does what they say they will, then fight to stop them every step of the way. We celebrate cowards and curse those who do their day to day jobs. Maybe it isn't the other party that a person needs to step back and reflect upon, but ourselves as individuals. We expect so much out of everyone else and claim to be doing something for the greater good and all the while we are promoting 'our side' instead of stepping back and reviewing the greater picture.
Back to the woman's comment though. I don't consider myself dumb. I have slightly above average intelligence, at least that's what the IQ test I took in my high school Psychology class told me and I can talk so I'm not mute. As to rich, at first I crossed it off that I'm not that either. Then I thought about it, I'm not rich monetarily, but I am rich in so many other ways. I am happy with my life which is filled with a loving family and good friends (even the ones that don't agree with me politically). I am blessed with a roof over my head, food for my table, a vehicle that runs, my needs are covered and there really aren't any wants. I am rich beyond belief and anyone can have this, it doesn't matter their political preference; they just need to open their eyes to what they have before them.
Merry Christmas!
Stressing Girl
~Henry Kissinger
http://www.mindtools.com/stress/Brn/BurnoutSelfTest.htm
This weeks topic is taking a look at stress and all the lovely forms it can take and how it relates in my life. This gave me an opportunity to review and realize that in reality, a lot of my stress has gone away. I used to have to stress about bills and whether or not I was going to be able to buy groceries. Now I don't feel so afraid of that. Admittedly, having a stable relationship with someone who is financially responsible and willing to reel me in when I start getting overextended on wants vs. needs helps this situation. Now that those worries are no longer in the foreground, I don't know what I have to stress about. Maybe I'm just calming down as I get older and see that things are not as bad as I once thought.
So I went looking around the internet for stress questionnaires after I came to the enlightenment that things aren't so bad and maybe I am maturing and maybe I'm actually doing really well. That is until the following happened.
Conversation with fiance:
Me: This test says my stress is high!
Him: Listen to your voice honey.
Me: What?
Him: High Pitched and loud. You're stressed because your taking
all these stress tests.
(links to the tests on bottom of page)
In other words, because I don't really think about the stress in my life as stressors; because they are just there and I have to live with them so why give them special names, I don't feel the stress that is occurring?
If I were to rate my current level of stress, I would actually say it is pretty low. The biggest stressors in my life right now: Work, School, and the stupid fly that won't leave me alone!!!
The simplest of these has to be the fly. Ok, I am using it as a scapegoat for other irritants, but it is something that I could do something about. This little pest manages to avoid squishing at every turn. Talk about a stressful existence! The bug just wants to buzz around land on a rotting banana peel, make a home in the rabbit litter, and lives its 15-30 day lifespan in grotesqueness. Instead, it spends most of its time buzzing around avoiding everything from a flyswatter to a tennis shoe.
Work is work. I am fortunate to have a company that allows me to be be myself. There are open door policies in place so if there is a concern there are people to talk to. I really am fortunate. I can't control the weather or the economy. I'm less stressed about the seasonal layoffs this years. Probably because it allows me to focus on school more.
This semester is gonna be one of my hardest. I am hoping to graduate next May, which means putting in for a lot of credits this and next semester. So far I'm handling it. The best thing I have found to handle it is a planner! In middle school and high school I was given a planner every year and never really made use of it. It only just dawned on me that this was a planner. I got one for school this year along with different color pens so I am now color coordinated for all my classes. This semester also has me doing more full term classes. This is something to get used to because my accelerated program has me doing 8 week stints online. I am also having interaction with people because of my in-person class and that is stressing. Somehow I've been taking leadership roles and that's new to me. I'll make it through like always even if I freak out a bit, but I know that is my own doing. I put more stress on myself because I have to aim to do my best. So I spend a semester wondering if I'm answering things right or if I am doing what the teacher wants me to do. I need to stop second-guessing and relax.
All kidding aside, there is one thing that I am stressed about, but I can't do anything about it so I don't mention it. I'm really worried that my grandparents won't be alive to see my wedding. I know that I could move up the date and ensure that they are there. As of right now it really wouldn't be a hard thing to do although we already have the caterer and location set for our chosen date, but that's over a year away. It is very important to me for them to know that I am married and okay; that they don't have to worry about me anymore. I worry that I don't see them enough or spend enough time with them. Grandma just was diagnosed with dementia and if confirming that I am me and not my sister was an issue before, I don't know how it will be now. I am scared and when the diagnoses came through, I avoided calling or stopping in because I'm too weak to deal with this...
Reflective Girl #1
Everybody sees me as this sullen and insecure little thing. Those are just the sides of me that I feel it's necessary to show because no one else seems to be showing them.
~Fiona Apple
This quote resonates with me. I think that I portrayed a sullen person for quite some time, to the point I really do not know what else I am supposed to be. I watched so many people be bouncy and happy, and I could never figure out how they did it. It seemed so fake to me. I get nervous around people like that. I understand that in a vast majority of cases they are hiding their true selves behind this facade.
I know that I have my own facade though. I'm just a bit better at hiding it. I have an inferiority complex. While try to not portray this, I have always felt others were better than me. Growing up I was the girl that got picked up from school in a dump truck. I'm the girl who's parents divorced when I was ten. This doesn't seem like such a huge thing in today's society, but I grew up in a Christian school where divorce was a huge NO-NO, so this forged a sense of not belonging. Even after switching schools I was the odd ball. Still the daughter of a salvage man and the girl that wore Harley T-shirts. It was my twenties that I realized there was such a thing as women's shirts that were cut for women.
I never became a part of a group, but ventured from group to group. I never felt like I belonged to any of them. I just did my own thing. I went out with a high school friend and she told me that she respected me because I did that. I teared up when I heard that. I spent so much time feeling like I was unnoticed and in the shadows, when it wasn't the case. People did see. They may not have said anything at the time, but I made an impression. I still have friend's who tell me their parent's ask what ever happened to the girl who was going to work on motorcycles.
I guess I never gave myself the credit that I mattered. Now that seems a lifetime ago. I spent a few years lost and living just for the basics in life, but now, now I can move past that. Self actualization is a possibility. I kept in the shadows and away from people, now I crave interaction with others.
This may be why I don't mind working sales now. I get to meet lots of different people and I've put my time in so I don't need to feel inferior. If a customer feels that I don't know what I'm talking about, that's not my fault. They are ignorant. I've been in the industry eight years now, with three in my present position, I think I have a handle on it. If I don't know something, I am now able to ask for help and not feel ashamed.
Despite all this, I have public mask. My fiance points it out when he visits me at work or overhears me on the phone. My voice raises in pitch and I tend to fake a lot of smiles. I'm not a bubbly person but I'm not a sullen person. I just am me. This comes across as condescending and aloof, and that hurts me that that is how people see me. I have told my manager on numerous occasions that if I could have a personality transplant I would. Not because I feel much of it needs to change; but so I could relate to others. I do not fit into the mold that everyone expects a person to present. Even if it isn't socially acceptable, I hold to my own opinions.
Luckily, I found someone who loves my quirkiness. I'm tired of beating my head against the wall trying to be something I'm not. I know that how I see myself is higher than I really am, but it's still obtainable. I also have people that will keep me grounded. I fool myself as much as I try to fool others.
image is the work of Dana Fradon The New Yorker May 1, 1965
The Girl and School
~Henry Ford
I know I have been really bad with keeping to posts this summer. It is the busy season at work and I have been cramming wedding planning into the summer--even though the wedding's over a year from now. Well, I wanted to put up a quick post to let you all know I am going to be putting up a few post in the next few weeks that may seem a bit strange. That is because I am going to make use of Broken Girl for my Psychology class. We are to do Reflection pieces throughout the course and a lot of what we are studying is focusing on what this little blog is all about anyway, so I figured I could role it all into one.
Hope things are going well for everyone!
~Andrea
The Girl Came From Somewhere After All
A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.
~Paul Sweeney
Today was a great day. I went back home (150 mile drive give or take) to celebrate my maternal grandparents' 65th Anniversary. The first time my grandparent's met they were on a double date. They weren't in the same couple on that double date, in fact if I remember the story correctly, Grandpa got stood up and was just following Grandma and her date around the fair, which is another reason that their 65 years together is even more impressive, in my opinion at least.
Today was especially interesting because I have not seen the vast majority of my relation in what amounts to three years. The last time we gathered was for Grandma's 80th birthday. There was a sea of second cousins that I didn't know or recognize and out of the 12 cousins 9 were there. This was a tremendous showing. My mother chose work over driving down and to a degree I can't blame her too much. Money is tight, but still how often does a couple see 65 years? The actual anniversary is June 1st, but with it being Memorial Day weekend, it had better odds.
While this was a wonderful time, I found it unsettling. I don't get to see everyone very often and when I do it's like a huge time warp minus the fun costumes and a step to the left. Grandpa is using a walker now and this doesn't work in my mind. My grandpa was always out working in the yard, sorting scrap metal, or doing something. The thought of him needing assistance baffles me. Grandma is starting to confuse some things. I found it funny when I flipped through the picture book and my fiancé's name was suddenly 'Keith' easily remedied but still it isn't the way of things. Both of my grandparents are in their 80s so these signs of aging shouldn't come as such a shock, but it becomes harder because I feel faced with the inevitable. Although, I will give the family total props, this is one of the few occasions that I did not hear one person say, "This may be the last time we're all together like this." Something that has been a horrible theme for the last few occasions.
There has to be one port in the storm for every person. For me that was Grandma and Grandpa's house. It was a safe haven through all the horribleness of my parent's divorce. Even when things were said that weren't good for a young person to hear (it's a divorce everyone badmouths everyone after All) it was still comforting to go there. I joke with my sister that she's Grandma's favorite while I'm Grandpa's so we have a monopoly on them. I remember sitting in the basement making wooden animals out of the firewood or climbing the apple trees in the backyard. The wood burner is gone as are the apple trees.
With all the memories of baking cookies and watching cartoons or drawing on the underside of the coffee table or pretending the ornately carved legs of the dining room table were horses, there is one memory that stands out. It was one of the last Christmas Eve's that the family all gathered at Grandma's before we got to be too many. Mom and dad had been separated for awhile and fighting again and I hadn't seen or heard from her in probably near a month. I was so sure that she was going to be at Grandma's though. How could anyone miss Christmas? Why wouldn't she want to see me? Dad dropped me off and I waited. Mom wasn't going to show. She was off with her current boyfriend and would later claim that she figured I didn't want to see her so that was why she did not go. I remember breaking down. I couldn't stop crying. In front of all the cousins, aunts and uncles, I couldn't stop. Grandma tried to make me smile and get a picture, but Grandpa stepped in. He told her not to and leave me alone. Mom got called and eventually did show, but the part of that night that I will always remember is Grandpa stepping up and defending me. That was why their house is always safe.
Congratulations Grandma and Grandpa! I know you never would have imagined 65 years or the sprawling family you started, but I for one am sure glad you did!
The Girl Takes No Credit For This
“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.”
~Oscar Wilde
The other day at work I walked passed the downstairs TV and CNN was on. They were interviewing these two women about the 6 reasons women are single. The women are on an XM radio show called Broad Minded. The whole reason I stopped was one of the women was asked what were her reasons for being single. Her response stopped me in my tracks, she said, "I'll be honest, I'm a blend of three- You're a slut----" I never found out what the other part of the combination was. I couldn't believe she had just point blank said that on TV. I don't think I ever heard someone be that point blank.I hadn't watched the beginning or the rest of the clip. I finally found the whole article that started it all and am sharing it.
I also included the video of the interview. YAY to me for figuring out how to embed it! The reason I am sharing it is because I so could relate to this article! So many of these reasons stacked up against me in the past. It was only when I stopped and took a breath and decided to take a better look at myself and what makes me happy was I able to find someone who could love me.
Why You're Not Married
By Tracy McMillan
You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.
You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.
Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.
Well, I know why.
How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.
I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.
But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.
2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character,you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.
Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.
That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."
You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.
Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.
Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.
I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.
Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
Love.
Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You and I'm Leaving You Anyway is now available in paperback from Harper Collins/It Books. She lives in Los Angeles with her 13-year-old son. Follow her on Twitter.
