Essay Girl

You only live once- but if you work it right, once is enough.
~Joe E. Lewis
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This is actually an essay I did for my Literature in Pop Culture Class. I am very thankful to Wilmaryad O'Scallas for his help in this paper and permission to use his words in this text. Not to mention assistance in the proofreading and editing. For more words from him, check out his blog: http://gayarabguy.blogspot.com/ . The purpose of this paper was to identify a key component of life in this technological Internet age. I chose the concept of Identity on the Internet and how it is not necessarily such a form of escapism but a sense of true self. I lost 1 point on the project because I put on a cover sheet which is APA styling not MLA.
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A Greater Sense of Self:
The Rise of True Identity Through the Internet
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Who am I? is the question identity seeks to answer. It gives importance to the wielder who knows who they are and what they want. The Real World allows the formation of identity easily. The place where a person grows up, the people they surround themselves with are all factors to create a person. However, there is a part locked within that is still a part of the person but cannot be displayed for all the world to know. A sort of secret self that must remain hidden due to the social pressures of Real Life. The advent of the Internet, however, allowed for a greater sense of self and a place for the many facets of identity to shine brightly.
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Initially the Internet was a form of escape. The user could log in and be who/what-ever they desired. Role-playing games are still an online pleasure and offer a chance to show off skills no longer available in the real world, such as the masculine man slaying hordes of demons. There is networking within the games and friendships are fostered. It is not the avatar that becomes known to other, but the person playing. (Roesler, 427)
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Now there is a shift to this strategy. Instead of hiding one’s unacceptable traits, the Internet allows the creation of communities for those sharing the same interests or desires. The social pressures to establish and prove themselves real men is lifted from men, and women are allowed to get to know a person better before meeting them thanks to the Internet. (Roesler, 427) Individuals create themselves and are defined by others and this is what goes into the creation of identity, but how can identity be determined or measured?
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Most research is staged. The participants know they are being watched. This means results will be inaccurate. Research has not been followed through as to how on-line identities emerge. (Giles, 465) It also takes time to establish one’s self within a community. The level of commitment to the research takes its toll and the research needs to use tiptoe around sensitive situations as to not implicate or prejudice themselves or the observed party. (McKenna, 62)
Web logs, or blogs, have become an integral part of the creation of identity. A new blog is created every second of every day. (Zamora) It is simple to create them and once the writer has made their point or wishes to dismiss the blog they can remove it or start another.
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What has started this phenomenon? It is a need within the author. It allows the person to be the star of their own show. It also is a staging ground for identifying with others. When it comes to certain topics the Internet may be the only source to find like minded people. (Zamora)
This is true if the topic is especially controversial. There are blogs and newsgroups on nearly every topic from white supremacist to pro-anorexia to homosexuality. The Internet allows these people to gather. It also allows a place for those who do not have anywhere else to go.
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As Wilmaryad O’Scallas, the author of the blog Gay Arab Guy put it:
I hate the word blog; it sounds awful. I write because there is no
way for me to express what's boiling inside me. I have distanced
myself from anybody who's ever called themselves a friend, because
most betrayed my trust or are simply gay-unfriendly.
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Sharing my worries with my family is even more difficult. I live
in a Muslim Arab country where homosexuality is a dishonor that
threatens the tradition of honor preservation. So, even if my own
family is not very religious, they care about what people say.
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Therefore, I can't simply confide in my mother or brothers when
I, for example, go through a heartache.
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I write anonymously because I would be in trouble if somebody
who knows me happened to read my blog. In fact, if you are outed or
"unmasked" as being gay in my country, you can wish your peace
of mind goodbye.
(O’Scallas, interview 1/27/10)
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Therefore, a more true personality is unleashed on the cyber world.
Of course, being open with one’s personality opens a larger risk of rejection. Haters emerge. These are people who disagree with the initial idea and ‘flame’ the author. Flaming is the use of abusive and often derogatory language toward another person. (Giles, 471) The anonymity, therefore, goes both ways. The author of the topic or thread has limited interaction with those who respond, and the flamer has the option of anonymity as well.
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Whereas this situation may cause the individual to become more isolated and reclusive in Real Life, the online world allows a greater chance of support. Followers of a thread or blog can voice their opinion and often the flamer becomes flamed. (Giles, 471) The distance between people is suddenly narrowed; people living half a world away can now communicate and show support.(Talamo, 110) Research has also shown that the relationships formed on the Internet are real and many have reported that the online friends are just as important as those they see daily. (McKenna, 72)
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One need only look to the article by Allucquere Rosanne Stone regarding case of Julie Graham/Sanford Lewin. Those within the social group that considered Julie a real person and loved her as a friend were crushed when they found out about the deception. (123-141) The human set of emotions does not necessarily need to meet or be near a person to form a bond.
The use of the Internet to shift personality and identity is also high. It is hard to change a Real Life personality. When friends, family, or co-workers see a shift in persona they can easily veto the change. Because of this rejection the person will revert to the way they were. The experiment has failed. (McKenna, 60)
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However, in the Virtual World, new social scenes are established. In the process self-concept is allowed to change. The stereotypes that plague an individual in the real world are no longer enforced. The slate is wiped clean, so to speak.
The boundaries blur though, if a person enters a meaningful discussion online and finds the effects positive, more of those traits will show off-line. (Talamo, 111)
No matter the mask, the reality behind the person shows through. Hiding from inner truths is very difficult and the character has to be perfect in order for it to be maintained. This, however becomes consuming and, just as positive traits can change a person, negative ones can surface and create a new identity.
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Mr. Bungle’s explanation of his actions in Julian Dibbell’s A Rape in Cyberspace : “I engaged in a bit of psychological device… It was purely sequence of events with no consequence on my RL existence.(167)” may seem to argue against the point of this paper, but it cements an aspect. There is a part within every person that they bring forward in the online world they would never do in Real Life. There are hidden desires that make up the identity and cannot be expressed. This is what was meant by a greater sense of self.
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Works Cited
Dibbell, Jullian. "A Rape in Cyberspace." CyberReader. Joseph Opiela, 2005. 155-77. Print.
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Giles, David. "Constructing Identities In Cyberspace: The Case of Easting Disorders." British Journal of Social Psychology 45.3 (2006): 463-77. Academic Search Complete. Web. 22 Jan. 2010.
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McKenna, Katelyn, and John A. Bargh. "Plan 9 From Cyberspace: The Implications of the Internet for Personality and Social Psychology." Personality & Social Psychology Review 4.1 (2000): 57-75. Academic Search Complete. Web. 22 Jan. 2010.
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O'Scallas, Wilmaryad. "Blogging in the Dark: Necessity of Anonymity." Online interview. 26 Jan. 2010.
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Roesler, Christian. "The Self in Cyberspace." Journal of Analytical Psychology 53.3 (2008): 421-36. Academic Search Complete. Web. 22 Jan. 2010.
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Rosanne Stone, Allucquere, ed. "In Novel Conditions: The Cross-Dressing Psychiatrist." CyberReader. Joseph Opiela, 2005. 123-41. Print.
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Talamo, Alessandra, and Beatrice Ligorio. "Strategic Identities in Cyberspace." CyberPsychology & Behavior 4.1 (2001): 109-22. Academic Search Complete. Web. 22 Jan. 2010.
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Zemora, Dulce. "How Blogs Have Changed The World." WebMD - Better information. Better health. 24 Apr. 2010. Web. 24 Jan. 2010. .

Biker Girl

All of us are watchers - of television, of time clocks, of traffic on the freeway- but few are observers. Everyone is looking, not many are seeing.
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~Peter M. Leschak
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It's spring!!! Finally. Well, hopefully, there have been snow flurries this week around here and I know there have been downright blizzards elsewhere, but by the sunshine streaming in the window I'm calling it spring and I'm going for a ride today!
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I finally got my battery for my bike and it is time to ride. Problem is I have 150 mile drive before I can throw a leg over the saddle. This is kind of sad, but my apartment does not have a garage so Dad's is the safest place for my Black Angel.
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There is one thing I am very thankful for and it is that Dad did not discriminate. He had always said that if he had boys they would have had Harleys when they turned thirteen; he had girls instead and Sis and I both got them. It is the most freeing experience to be out on the road and the sights seen can blow your mind. Officially, I have owned my bike half my life once my birthday hits in May, but I have not had a chance to log very many miles. Of course, if you look at the number of test rides and Dad's bikes I have become a pretty fair rider. A long way from running circle in the backyard.
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So, today will be my first ride of the season!
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(Yes, she is using her air cleaner cover to apply mascara)

The Caption of this Photo: Do this, Do that, Blah, Blah, Blah.

Saved Girl

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 4 v 12&13

It is the Easter season. I have mentioned before my religious background and it amazes me the relationship I kept with God while I had so many issues with the clergy. However, I never continued the story. I stopped going to church after my Confirmation (I am Lutheran so this was age 14-ish. It was actually the day before my birthday. So double party and presents!) When I moved to Arizona for school I found a church down there that helped keep me sane.

I saw a shift in the message. It was no longer force feeding me the laws of the Bible, but the ideas of Jesus' lessons. It is these lessons that make a world of difference. I had lived my life trying to adhere to archaic laws that are near impossible to follow. I was still missing the point though.

When I moved back home I did not seem t have time for church. It was only after the relationship with my ex ended and I was two-hundred miles from home that I decided to go back. That was where the above verses were brought to my attention.

I had it all so very wrong. I did not need to try so hard for forgiveness. I was forgiven! God had cleansed me long before my birth by sacrificing His Son! How did I go through so many years of Christian education and miss the most important message? I was missing the compassion part hardcore and it was not toward other people, but toward myself.

I still hold myself to an almost unreachable high standard. I feel no one else will hold me accountable if I do not and it is silly. Dad always tells me to 'let go and let God' and so far every time that I do, it has lead to the best parts of my life.

So this Easter season, as the chocolate bunnies are loosing their ears, take a moment to think about the other meanings to this day. I have my one and only Easter decoration out, an Easter bunny hand-sewn by my Great-Great Aunt Marie, who I last saw the Easter before she passed away.(Amazing woman,96 years old, she and Uncle Herbert were married 72 years!)

I know my readership is varied, that my religious views are not shared by everyone, and by no means am I out for conversion, I merely tell my story.

So today marks Good Friday, the day my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ died upon the cross. It is a symbolic marking considering the date changes every year and it seems to have snuck up on my this year. On Sunday the celebration of the Resurrection takes place and I will raise my voice to shout: He is Risen!

He is Risen, Indeed!

Poetry Girl #2

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved...the ones who never yawn and say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.
~Jack Kerouac

Admittedly, I am kind of copping out this week. Spring showed her head for a couple of days and work has been 'balls to the walls' as it were. One thing about being in a season driven field of employ is that once the season hits it hits HARD! In the process a lot of things have hit the back burner, which included a paper for one class due last Friday that, thankfully, was extended to this Friday. Yup, I got next week's reading done before I did last week's writing. Explain that one! But that class has nothing more this week and my other class is exploring poetry. So in an attempt to gear myself up to the thought of writing a sonnet. (I am clueless, any pointers much appreciated) I am looking at some really old journals and putting up some old poems. A good portion may have been written in high school if not earlier.

Passing By

Raised voices with hurtful words
Resentful thoughts left unsaid
And I am left broken and confused
Everything I could want is in you,
But everything I need is left unseen.
Why have things changed?
We were meant to meet by chance.
Life hasn't been boring since.
Creditors are knocking and bills are piling
We have each other that should be enough.
Waiting for things to get better,
But not changing ourselves.
Nothing will change if we don't
Time has passed but life needn't pass us by

(Really, really glad that the person this was originally written for a)never saw it and b)is no longer in my life)

Wondering Why

Don't wonder why
Why I'm so serious...
Why I can't take a joke...
Why I'm angry...
The reason is simple...
No one understands
the complexity of me.
No one has offered
a shoulder to cry on.
an ear to listen with.
a heart to love me.
No one has broken the shell
I protect myself with.
No one has been there
to open up to.
No one has tried to understand
I can accept that.
Just don't judge me and wonder why.

(I find it interesting how true this still feels to this day. I have a very great set of friends that let me be myself but even among them I swear they only see certain facets of the whole)

Thoughts of Myself

Always wandering
Ever wondering
Thorough my consciousness.
Reading, writing,
Always fighting
Against a fate
assigned me
at an earlier date...

Lost Mission

A lost mission
of seeking
What eludes my sight
A mission of seeking
what is not meant to be
Mine.

Are the Real

The feelings we feel
The voices we hear
The wounds that don't heal
Will you tell me,
Are they real?

The lessons we learn
The emotions stirred
The fires that burn
Tell me, again,
Are they real?

The creature within
The powers unfold
The life we live
Please tell me,
Are they real!?

So a brief selection of older poetry for your entertainment pleasure, let me know what you think and if you know how to write a sonnet PLEASE inform me. I'm at a loss...

Medicated Girl

Man should not strive to eliminate his complexes, but to get in accord with them; they are legitimately what directs his contact in the world.

~Sigmund Freud

The human body is amazing. There are so many little things that need to function correctly in order to be healthy and normal. When just one thing is out of balance the entire works are in shut down mode. We are in a time when a pill is the save all; end all.

So many little chemicals are compressed into small pills and if the concoction is just a touch off a person can spiral out of control. It can take several attempts to find the proper mix can take time. Time that the person taking the medication may not have.

My own experiences in medicine are relatively tame. However, it was enough to mess me up. I do believe that part of the reason I had so much trouble coping with everything that happened with my Ex had to do with some prescription changes. I was one of those girls that ended up having to take birth control pills an insanely early age- thirteen. It was either that or face a minimum of half a month of discomfort. In other words it was regulatory more than preventive. At the time there was no reason for it to be preventative.

The main components of these pills are estrogen and progesterone. The two main female hormones. The balance of these two help regulate more than just the reproductive aspect of the body. The mind is influenced and even the changing of a name brand to a generic can hold an effect.

It took me several years to finally find the right cocktail of hormones that worked. I felt a normal for the first time in a long time, just in time to move out of state. In an effort to save some money, since her insurance was out, my mom sent me three months of generic pills. I was on these when I had the incident that mentioned in Bleeding Girl. I did not put two and two together quite yet.

I went back to the name brand and everything settled again. It seemed fine. A number years passed before I had to change.

I had seen a counselor that perscribed a very low dose anti-depressant. It was the least they could give and for awhile it covered the depression, but it was not fixing anything. I felt like I was walking in a cloud. There was a new aspect to reality and I was not caring enough about the important things. I took myself off of the pills shortly after I realized what was going on.

Another reason I was put on the pill was on the off chance that they would help with my migraines. I had done the whole MRI/Cat Scan deal to find out that 1) I am allergic to scan dye and have not had a normal nervous system since and 2) I have a small cyst on a gland in my head. I had not received the news from the neurologist before my regular doctor told me. Problem was he basically told me the wrong information. Saying he did not think it was serious but I should look online to find out more! Yes, I am serious, my doctor told me to go to the internet for medical advice! That was the last time I went to him.

Then I lost my job and could not afford the name brand pills anymore. I could not go to my doctor because I lost all trust in him and my nurse practioner had quit. I had a temporarily solution and that was getting state aid. The only thing I qualified for was the reproduction program. The easiest method of finding a doctor or filling the perscription was Planned Parenthood.

They would not give me my perscription. Evidentally, Planned Parenthood has very intense rules about what they can or cannot perscribe. It did not matter that I had been on the pill for ages and it worked, they did not want to be held liable should something happen. I was on a dual hormone pill and because of my family history they would not allow it to happen. I took the pill they gave me and spiralled out of mind again.

I could not adjust to the pill. To much stress was going on for a medication change. I stopped taking everything. It was fairly risky and I was lucky to not end up pregnant with this move. It was the first time in ten years that my body was functioning solely on its own chemical compounds. It was AMAZING! I could function. I was myself for the first time.

I maintain the medicine free lifestyle. The most I take is the occasional antibiotic or Tylonal and after visiting a chiropractor my migraines are all but gone. I realized that my behavior was influenced by the chemicals levels, but I feared the potential of pregnancy and had to do something. There are very few options for non-hormonal birth control. I decided against going back on pills and settled for the one thing the state program would cover. However, once again I was failed by a doctor who did not use the correct IUD so I did end up with a slight hormone dose. Thankfully, it is light enough and direct enough that my mind can now work and I do not have the fears.

The Girl Takes a Step Back

Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man - the biography of the man himself cannot be written.

~Mark Twain

I love Twain. I think today's society lacks someone of his wit. Someone willing to say it as it is and everyone will except it because of who the source is. His fame did not change him really. There is a reason this quote stuck out this week though.

Last week's post caused a bit of trouble for me. Not horrendous trouble but it made me think about how I'm conveying things and how they are perceived. Truly the written word is a wonderful thing and is what elevates us in the hierarchy of creation, but there are certain things that only the vocal exchange of words can clarify. My boyfriend reads my blog. I guess that is now a past tense *read*.

Some of the things I said came across a bit stronger than I had intended, and it cast doubts on our situation. Something I desperately did not wish to do. I offered to stop Broken Girl to avoid hurting him or causing anymore misunderstandings. He told me to keep writing, but that he would stop reading and have me tell him everything myself.

There is a reason that I am posting this. This was the first time I came close to hurting someone with my words and I caution my dear readers to think of possible implications that may arise from their words. I have known that some of my content should certain people (mostly my parental units) read it could blow up in my face, but I never foresaw that I could jeopardize my relationship with a rare and wonderful man.

I am not the same girl that stars in most of the posts. She was a fragile, broken creature that I glued back together. The current Girl is stronger and learned. I just wish to impart the hard truths that I learned along the way to finding this, hopefully, happy beginning.

And if he does read this I hope he knows: I love you, baby!

Faithfully,

Andrea Leigh

Girl Meets Boy The Final Act

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experience.


~Ralph Waldo Emerson



As said, I had promised to be done with him after the move. The job looked good and life was starting to get back to where it should be. I had to give in and claim bankruptcy or I would never recover but that one setback was not as bad as the last three years had been. Then he showed up.
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He had been calling and I was trying to get him to go away, but there is still that part of your heart that says 'it can work'. Even when I knew we were long past it being good or healthy, I decided to give it a try. I was not dealing with the slacking anymore though. He had to contribute to the household. The fights during this time were worse than before. This coupled with having to lie about even talking to him, much less seeing him, made me a not good person to be around.
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He started going out. The town we moved to was not very big. A major highway did run through it, but the downtown was pretty much abandoned to the locals. He made friends with some prison guards that lived around the area. He sold his car to one of them so he'd have some cash and bought another piece of crap car that had a million problems with it and came begging for money to fix it.
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Again, he could not find a job.
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The fighting intensified and there really was no spark left. I was miserable. He suggested moving in with one of his friends, the one who had bought the car. He thought that things could be worked out if we were apart. This did not sound like a bad idea.
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I came home from work one day to an empty apartment. He was not there. His things were not there. I thought nothing of it, until I noticed something else was missing: the PS2 was gone. I am not sure if I mentioned this, but my ex loved to pawn things, usually my things. If he needed money it was far easier to pawn something present than to *gasp* work for it. I called the friend he had said he would stay with and the guy had not seen him in over a week. I knew he was gone. No note on the table. Nothing indicating what was going on. He was just out of there.
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I should have been thrilled! Instead, I was devastated. I feel really bad for the Movie Gallery attendant that night. I had just rented a couple of games for the night. I had no PS2 anymore and my boyfriend had left me. I was a sobbing mess. She kindly gave me my money back instead of making me keep the games or take an in-store credit.
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It was a Friday or Saturday and I couldn't stay in the apartment. I went to the closest tourist trap, because it assured anonymity. I wanted to be around people, but not have to interact too much.
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I am not a party person. I do not drink and before that night I had never set foot in a bar alone except when a band was playing. I got adopted by a crazy drunk lady and her boyfriend. We ended up playing pool. The jukebox was all over the place. One minute it was Metallica to AFI then out of nowhere: ABBA's dancing queen.
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I could read the bouncer's expression and made a comment about the switch. He was impressed I knew who AFI was! We talked some more and I whined and told my whole story to him. He was a sympathetic ear and I foolishly thought something could come out of it. Things did go a lot farther than they probably should have, and certainly farther and quicker than I had ever done things before, but I was a woman scorned. I was hurt and angry and not in control of my emotions or much of anything else.
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A week passed before the phone call came. My 'boyfriend'/ex/the loser who abandoned me called. He had left to find work back where I had met him and this was the first time he found a phone. Ummmm.... Is it just me or don't most cities have more than one phone and it should be relatively easy to find said device. I wasn't going to have it. I told him we were done. I had 'moved on'. He hung up.
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Nothing else ever happened with the bouncer. We talked every week that he was working. In a way he was a friend or he took extreme pity on me or wondered what the hell he got himself into when he met me. Doesn't really matter sense it was just a learning experience and helped as a catalyst to officially end things.
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So that should have been it. There were maybe two more contacts with my ex.Driving the last nail in to the coffin. I finally said enough of the stupidity and stopped contact. Last year I sent him an email though. I wanted to rub it in his face how good my life is now. What a great job I have and stress free. All because he isn't in my life. It was shallow and petty, but it felt good. He had switched phone companies and I still had and old phone for it that I agreed to send to him. I had no use for it, so why not?
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I also still had some clothes and other things around. I threw them in the box too. It was over a year since we had broken up. Why did I have these things lying around? Then I found my necklace half. There is a necklace that I have always wanted to share with my chosen other; it is two entangled dragons that form a heart. The dragons seperate and each partner gets one. I dropped my half in the box and a huge weight lifted from me. This was it. The last piece that held attachment and it was going.
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I inquired if he got the package a week or so later. Part of me hoped he would say something about the necklace or other things. Why would I expect such a level of thought out of him is beyond me. Instead, he complained that I had sent the wrong phone charger with the phone. I had just given him an $80 after all the crap he had put me through and all the things he had stolen and/or pawned on me and he was bitching about a $10 charger! Guess some things never change. I never sent him the right charger. Never contacted him again.
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This past week I looked in my email and realized I still had emails from him from 2007. I deleted them all. Didn't even bother to look at a single one. I could wish it never happened, but it did. I fell to my lowest point because of him and if I hadn't I would never be where I am now. Life does turn around and when you hit bottom, you see how good it is to be on top. ^_^