The Girl Came From Somewhere After All

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.

~Paul Sweeney

Today was a great day. I went back home (150 mile drive give or take) to celebrate my maternal grandparents' 65th Anniversary. The first time my grandparent's met they were on a double date. They weren't in the same couple on that double date, in fact if I remember the story correctly, Grandpa got stood up and was just following Grandma and her date around the fair, which is another reason that their 65 years together is even more impressive, in my opinion at least.

Today was especially interesting because I have not seen the vast majority of my relation in what amounts to three years. The last time we gathered was for Grandma's 80th birthday. There was a sea of second cousins that I didn't know or recognize and out of the 12 cousins 9 were there. This was a tremendous showing. My mother chose work over driving down and to a degree I can't blame her too much. Money is tight, but still how often does a couple see 65 years? The actual anniversary is June 1st, but with it being Memorial Day weekend, it had better odds.

While this was a wonderful time, I found it unsettling. I don't get to see everyone very often and when I do it's like a huge time warp minus the fun costumes and a step to the left. Grandpa is using a walker now and this doesn't work in my mind. My grandpa was always out working in the yard, sorting scrap metal, or doing something. The thought of him needing assistance baffles me. Grandma is starting to confuse some things. I found it funny when I flipped through the picture book and my fiancé's name was suddenly 'Keith' easily remedied but still it isn't the way of things. Both of my grandparents are in their 80s so these signs of aging shouldn't come as such a shock, but it becomes harder because I feel faced with the inevitable. Although, I will give the family total props, this is one of the few occasions that I did not hear one person say, "This may be the last time we're all together like this." Something that has been a horrible theme for the last few occasions.

There has to be one port in the storm for every person. For me that was Grandma and Grandpa's house. It was a safe haven through all the horribleness of my parent's divorce. Even when things were said that weren't good for a young person to hear (it's a divorce everyone badmouths everyone after All) it was still comforting to go there. I joke with my sister that she's Grandma's favorite while I'm Grandpa's so we have a monopoly on them. I remember sitting in the basement making wooden animals out of the firewood or climbing the apple trees in the backyard. The wood burner is gone as are the apple trees.

With all the memories of baking cookies and watching cartoons or drawing on the underside of the coffee table or pretending the ornately carved legs of the dining room table were horses, there is one memory that stands out. It was one of the last Christmas Eve's that the family all gathered at Grandma's before we got to be too many. Mom and dad had been separated for awhile and fighting again and I hadn't seen or heard from her in probably near a month. I was so sure that she was going to be at Grandma's though. How could anyone miss Christmas? Why wouldn't she want to see me? Dad dropped me off and I waited. Mom wasn't going to show. She was off with her current boyfriend and would later claim that she figured I didn't want to see her so that was why she did not go. I remember breaking down. I couldn't stop crying. In front of all the cousins, aunts and uncles, I couldn't stop. Grandma tried to make me smile and get a picture, but Grandpa stepped in. He told her not to and leave me alone. Mom got called and eventually did show, but the part of that night that I will always remember is Grandpa stepping up and defending me. That was why their house is always safe.

Congratulations Grandma and Grandpa! I know you never would have imagined 65 years or the sprawling family you started, but I for one am sure glad you did!

The Girl Takes No Credit For This

“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.”

~Oscar Wilde

The other day at work I walked passed the downstairs TV and CNN was on. They were interviewing these two women about the 6 reasons women are single. The women are on an XM radio show called Broad Minded. The whole reason I stopped was one of the women was asked what were her reasons for being single. Her response stopped me in my tracks, she said, "I'll be honest, I'm a blend of three- You're a slut----" I never found out what the other part of the combination was. I couldn't believe she had just point blank said that on TV. I don't think I ever heard someone be that point blank.I hadn't watched the beginning or the rest of the clip. I finally found the whole article that started it all and am sharing it.

I also included the video of the interview. YAY to me for figuring out how to embed it! The reason I am sharing it is because I so could relate to this article! So many of these reasons stacked up against me in the past. It was only when I stopped and took a breath and decided to take a better look at myself and what makes me happy was I able to find someone who could love me.

Why You're Not Married

By Tracy McMillan

You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.

Well, I know why.

How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.

I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.

1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.

2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character,you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.

That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."

You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.

5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.

Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love.

Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You and I'm Leaving You Anyway is now available in paperback from Harper Collins/It Books. She lives in Los Angeles with her 13-year-old son. Follow her on Twitter.

The Girl Gets Some Closure

“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checked by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”

~Theodore Roosevelt

I am guilty of what has to be one of the dumbest moves I have ever made. Trust me when I say this is big considering some of the stupid stuff I have done. I looked the boy up on a social networking site. I did this about a year ago. I should really have let well enough alone, and for a long time I did. Then it starts eating away at you when you realize that there was no real closure to the situation. I am a person who needs closure. I'm not saying that I was stalking his page. In fact I ignored it for quite some time. I was discussing it with my fiance how I would love answers to the burning questions that I still have after three years of separation. Yes, that is an insane amount of time for this to still be bothering me, I realize this. I went ahead.

I sent a message to him and as far as messages to ex-es go; it was rather tame and civil. I came to a realization. As much as he wants me to hate him, I actually should thank him! Yes, the boy who forced me into bankruptcy and foreclosure, who started my year of insanity, who broke up so many of my friendships...should be thanked! If he hadn't knocked me from my pedestal of everything being good in my life and forced me into a downward spiral that I barely recognized myself in, I could never have crawled back victorious. I never would be where I am now.

So check list this with me. If all the horrible crap hadn't happened, I would never have...

1)moved 150 miles from my family for a job and subsequently found my kick ass current job.

2)met the love of my life who accepts all of me past and all, even if he doesn't like it he accepts it.

3)reconnected with my family with even stronger bonds.

In essence his method of destroying me backfired. In no way am I giving him any credit for these achievements, please don't read me wrong. I just give him credit for being the trigger. I did the work to become better.

Ultimately, I did get a response, in fact I got three responses. Upon reading these responses I realize some people never change and it's a very good thing I got out when I did because he really doesn't deserve someone like me.

Lost in Motion Girl

I have come back again to where I belong; not an enchanted place, but the walls are strong.

~ Dorothy H. Rath

Happy New Year!!!

Ok, it has been a very long time since I posted anything. Would anyone believe the biggest reason for this is I couldn't find my quote book? I was getting ready to move around the time of the last post and the everything got bundled away into boxes and satchels. (Did I really just use the word satchel in a sentence?...Twice?) Moved into the new apartment and most every box got put into the second bedroom to wait for the moment that it would be unpacked. The problem with this being, there was not sufficient cabinet space, so a cabinet was bought and put together by yours truly ^_^ Then boxes started to get unpacked and low and behold the book was found, but school was in full session and even though it is slow season, work is hopping. Tonight, I only just re-found the book behind My Love's stash of energy drinks in said cabinet.

Let me catch everyone up. Finally decided on a course of action as far as school is concerned. I am doing Supervisory Management Program. I am going to overload myself this coming semester with a full course load of 15 credits on top of full time employment. Although I fully understand this is nothing new in the history of schooling, it is new to me so I am kind of dreading it. I lost my 4.0 last semester because of Accounting, but still got High Honors, major accomplishment for the math disinclined, such as myself.

I found my passion for work again. This may have been due to the fact we had holiday shut down and I had an entire week between Christmas and New Years to work on putting the apartment in a semblance of order that it has yet to achieve since the move. Or maybe the fact that my manager and myself are it for most of the slow season so I have to step up the game since we are technically "two men down"... technically.

I maintained most my writing goals last year. Broken Girl suffered, but I did submit at least one piece each quarter and collected a couple of new rejection letters.

I found the perfect wedding gown and now hope that I fit into it when the wedding actually happens. On the positive side, it will be paid for by the time of the wedding ^_^ I also have my bouquet made and that will hopefully stay assembled for the next two years.

So readers, I apologize for my absence. I will more than likely be back once school begins because the blog is a great way to procrastinate on homework and I'm good at that.

I hope everyone had a great New Years celebration and that life is going to be even better for 2011.

The Girl's Relationship Lessons

I would rather entertain and hope people learned something than educate people and hope they were entertained.
~ Walt Disney

Ok, I know there are tons of books out there and they spout most of what I'm writing. I've read these books, rolled my eyes and said "Yeah, right, not me." There is a lot of truth behind those books and whether we believe them at the time or not, well I for one got caught up in it.

1) If a guy says he's incapable of love: Believe him! I spent over a year and a half hearing this line and refused to believe it. I thought it was baloney. It wasn't. No matter what I would do wasn't going to change his mind. He wasn't ready for a relationship and had told me straight out that he wasn't. I was too focused on making him care for me I missed the most obvious hint that it wasn't worth my time.

2) In no way shape or form does anyone have the right to call you demeaning names. The one exception to this might be is if you agree to kinky stuff in the bedroom, but that's your prerogative. I for one did not need my self-esteem shattered by being calling a slut and a whore by someone I wasn't dating. If someone needs to belittle you; you're better off on your own.

3) When there is a perpetual need for you to cover every bill that comes your way when in a committed relationship. I'm not saying that the girl can't cover dinner and household expenses. I firmly believe in the 50/50 trying to not overwhelm the other person with financial responsibility, but if a pattern forms that it isn't so 50/50 more like 100% on your shoulders it's time to reevaluate.

4) Waiting is worth it! There are so many little compromises a person makes in relationships. Soon you start writing off things just to stay with someone. Well... he smokes and I don't, but as long as it's outside, I guess it's not that bad... WRONG! If you don't like something there is no reason to sweep it under the rug just to stay with someone. It's just blinding you to possible bigger faults. There are actually people out there that match your values out there and it may take some digging to find them and, yes heartbreak along the way, but trust me: IT IS AMAZING when you don't have to overlook things that irritate you just so you can be with someone. (Not saying there is no compromise, just not to the point that it whitewashes everything and makes you question your values)

5) Do not degrade yourself. When you find yourself in the bank office bawling your eyes out because your significant other did not follow though with promises and they are threatening to take away your car to the point your grandparents have to step in, or your begging friends and family for money: It is time to open your eyes. This was a major thing toward the end of the Girl Meets Boy saga but it goes beyond panhandling. There are a lot of weird requests out there. Especially after a bad break-up it is easy to lose self-respect. Yes, you do things that you would not do in your normal frame of mind.

However, have enough respect for yourself to draw the line on things that could truly harm you or degrade you. Among these: crying and begging someone to stay with you when they've made it clear your just a sex toy to them (they aren't going to change their mind and you just made yourself out to be a needy fool), giving into odd sexual fantasies of a partner that put you to shame (You have every right to say no to things you are not comfortable with) Obsessing/Stalking (You don't need to know what they are doing every moment of the day anymore than they need to know about you)

If for any reason the person you are with has issue with you denying something that you're not comfortable with, take a moment to look at the overall and decide if the person is worth being with.

Happy but Worried Girl

When you are in love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.

~Dr. Seuss

Today is a momentous day for me. Six months ago I made contact with the one person in the world who turned my view on life and love around. Happy Anniversary Love!

I apologize for not keeping up with the blog. Season hit and after running around at work coming home and thinking of posts has become difficult. Correction, sitting down and putting it down on the keyboard is difficult. I swear I have had about thirty post topics flit through my mind only to escape to the recesses of subconscious when I get my motivation up enough to do something about it.

I watched a documentary about Heavy Metal recently and in it Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister was telling a story about how one day he was sitting by the pool trying to write the next "We're Not Going to Take It" and found that he couldn't do it. His life had turned around with all the success that writing about rebellion and scrapping by was really hard. I understood the concept when I watched it, but now I can relate. I have lost focus of where Broken Girl was supposed to go. I plan to return on track and continue the stories that I started to tell. I apologize for my procrastination.

I must pose this question because of something happening with one of my friends has me puzzled. Is it possible to fall headlong in a long-distance relationship with someone? If you are not near the person, can you have a true romance and be angry or surprised if it fails? And if you are in such, or trying to maintain such, a relationship: How much contact is acceptable? I know there are times in close distant relationships where it seemed like I was in almost constant contact/checking in status with the other person, I don't even know where you begin to decide such lines in a cross-country affair...

Washer Girl

We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about.

~ Charles Kingsley

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I went to the laundromat today. Seemingly a mundane task, and do not get me wrong, I do not mind doing laundry, I just do NOT like paying for it. For this reason, I usually will load everything into the car and drive 150 miles to my dad's house to hang out with him and just as importantly get clean socks. Of course this is based upon a schedule that usually does not allow me two days off in a row, so my time as a Victoria's Secret cashier is still paying off since I (in theory) do not need to laundry for a minimum of a month and a half. Plus, I am no longer allowed to do it because I spend too many quarters...

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But I highly doubt you want to know the details of my clothing, that really is not the topic of today's blog. It is the conversation I had while in the laundromat with an elderly lady. I inherited my Dad's ability to talk to strangers; even though I have a phobia of telephones. This gift is how I can be in a buffet line and learn about the pancake maker's eighteen month old son. There really is one topic most everyone wants to or is able to talk about and that is themselves. How many personal blogs (Broken Girl included) are out there for crying out loud?

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The thing is does anyone listen? We spend so much time wrapped up in ourselves or the false lives of TV/movie/book characters or tabloid section that do we never look at our neighbor, our close friends, our own family to find out what it is that makes them tick.

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The lady today is eighty years old. Her husband and she are from a state away but are staying at a local campground. They are staying for the rest of the year because the husband has to do dialysis three times a week and it is easier to get it near here than back home, and they enjoy being around here. They have a large family with multiple grandkids and great-grandkids.

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They have lost one son and still speak with his wife and she would move up here to be with them if she could get a job around here. The kids come up every weekend to bring the mail and check on them. How great is that? So much love in the family, so much life lived! She had to ask her daughter just how long she (the lady I was speaking with) and her husband had been married because she remembered her fiftieth anniversary but the ones that followed just blurred.

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For all of this though, both she and her husband are ready to die at any time. They just want to go to sleep and never wake up. They have lived a good life and even in the hard times came through it. There is nothing more they want to do.

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I am glad I got to speak with this lady, whom I do not even have a name for, it got me thinking of how many stories each person has and how many get lost because no one listens.