Poetry Girl #2

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved...the ones who never yawn and say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.
~Jack Kerouac

Admittedly, I am kind of copping out this week. Spring showed her head for a couple of days and work has been 'balls to the walls' as it were. One thing about being in a season driven field of employ is that once the season hits it hits HARD! In the process a lot of things have hit the back burner, which included a paper for one class due last Friday that, thankfully, was extended to this Friday. Yup, I got next week's reading done before I did last week's writing. Explain that one! But that class has nothing more this week and my other class is exploring poetry. So in an attempt to gear myself up to the thought of writing a sonnet. (I am clueless, any pointers much appreciated) I am looking at some really old journals and putting up some old poems. A good portion may have been written in high school if not earlier.

Passing By

Raised voices with hurtful words
Resentful thoughts left unsaid
And I am left broken and confused
Everything I could want is in you,
But everything I need is left unseen.
Why have things changed?
We were meant to meet by chance.
Life hasn't been boring since.
Creditors are knocking and bills are piling
We have each other that should be enough.
Waiting for things to get better,
But not changing ourselves.
Nothing will change if we don't
Time has passed but life needn't pass us by

(Really, really glad that the person this was originally written for a)never saw it and b)is no longer in my life)

Wondering Why

Don't wonder why
Why I'm so serious...
Why I can't take a joke...
Why I'm angry...
The reason is simple...
No one understands
the complexity of me.
No one has offered
a shoulder to cry on.
an ear to listen with.
a heart to love me.
No one has broken the shell
I protect myself with.
No one has been there
to open up to.
No one has tried to understand
I can accept that.
Just don't judge me and wonder why.

(I find it interesting how true this still feels to this day. I have a very great set of friends that let me be myself but even among them I swear they only see certain facets of the whole)

Thoughts of Myself

Always wandering
Ever wondering
Thorough my consciousness.
Reading, writing,
Always fighting
Against a fate
assigned me
at an earlier date...

Lost Mission

A lost mission
of seeking
What eludes my sight
A mission of seeking
what is not meant to be
Mine.

Are the Real

The feelings we feel
The voices we hear
The wounds that don't heal
Will you tell me,
Are they real?

The lessons we learn
The emotions stirred
The fires that burn
Tell me, again,
Are they real?

The creature within
The powers unfold
The life we live
Please tell me,
Are they real!?

So a brief selection of older poetry for your entertainment pleasure, let me know what you think and if you know how to write a sonnet PLEASE inform me. I'm at a loss...

Medicated Girl

Man should not strive to eliminate his complexes, but to get in accord with them; they are legitimately what directs his contact in the world.

~Sigmund Freud

The human body is amazing. There are so many little things that need to function correctly in order to be healthy and normal. When just one thing is out of balance the entire works are in shut down mode. We are in a time when a pill is the save all; end all.

So many little chemicals are compressed into small pills and if the concoction is just a touch off a person can spiral out of control. It can take several attempts to find the proper mix can take time. Time that the person taking the medication may not have.

My own experiences in medicine are relatively tame. However, it was enough to mess me up. I do believe that part of the reason I had so much trouble coping with everything that happened with my Ex had to do with some prescription changes. I was one of those girls that ended up having to take birth control pills an insanely early age- thirteen. It was either that or face a minimum of half a month of discomfort. In other words it was regulatory more than preventive. At the time there was no reason for it to be preventative.

The main components of these pills are estrogen and progesterone. The two main female hormones. The balance of these two help regulate more than just the reproductive aspect of the body. The mind is influenced and even the changing of a name brand to a generic can hold an effect.

It took me several years to finally find the right cocktail of hormones that worked. I felt a normal for the first time in a long time, just in time to move out of state. In an effort to save some money, since her insurance was out, my mom sent me three months of generic pills. I was on these when I had the incident that mentioned in Bleeding Girl. I did not put two and two together quite yet.

I went back to the name brand and everything settled again. It seemed fine. A number years passed before I had to change.

I had seen a counselor that perscribed a very low dose anti-depressant. It was the least they could give and for awhile it covered the depression, but it was not fixing anything. I felt like I was walking in a cloud. There was a new aspect to reality and I was not caring enough about the important things. I took myself off of the pills shortly after I realized what was going on.

Another reason I was put on the pill was on the off chance that they would help with my migraines. I had done the whole MRI/Cat Scan deal to find out that 1) I am allergic to scan dye and have not had a normal nervous system since and 2) I have a small cyst on a gland in my head. I had not received the news from the neurologist before my regular doctor told me. Problem was he basically told me the wrong information. Saying he did not think it was serious but I should look online to find out more! Yes, I am serious, my doctor told me to go to the internet for medical advice! That was the last time I went to him.

Then I lost my job and could not afford the name brand pills anymore. I could not go to my doctor because I lost all trust in him and my nurse practioner had quit. I had a temporarily solution and that was getting state aid. The only thing I qualified for was the reproduction program. The easiest method of finding a doctor or filling the perscription was Planned Parenthood.

They would not give me my perscription. Evidentally, Planned Parenthood has very intense rules about what they can or cannot perscribe. It did not matter that I had been on the pill for ages and it worked, they did not want to be held liable should something happen. I was on a dual hormone pill and because of my family history they would not allow it to happen. I took the pill they gave me and spiralled out of mind again.

I could not adjust to the pill. To much stress was going on for a medication change. I stopped taking everything. It was fairly risky and I was lucky to not end up pregnant with this move. It was the first time in ten years that my body was functioning solely on its own chemical compounds. It was AMAZING! I could function. I was myself for the first time.

I maintain the medicine free lifestyle. The most I take is the occasional antibiotic or Tylonal and after visiting a chiropractor my migraines are all but gone. I realized that my behavior was influenced by the chemicals levels, but I feared the potential of pregnancy and had to do something. There are very few options for non-hormonal birth control. I decided against going back on pills and settled for the one thing the state program would cover. However, once again I was failed by a doctor who did not use the correct IUD so I did end up with a slight hormone dose. Thankfully, it is light enough and direct enough that my mind can now work and I do not have the fears.

The Girl Takes a Step Back

Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man - the biography of the man himself cannot be written.

~Mark Twain

I love Twain. I think today's society lacks someone of his wit. Someone willing to say it as it is and everyone will except it because of who the source is. His fame did not change him really. There is a reason this quote stuck out this week though.

Last week's post caused a bit of trouble for me. Not horrendous trouble but it made me think about how I'm conveying things and how they are perceived. Truly the written word is a wonderful thing and is what elevates us in the hierarchy of creation, but there are certain things that only the vocal exchange of words can clarify. My boyfriend reads my blog. I guess that is now a past tense *read*.

Some of the things I said came across a bit stronger than I had intended, and it cast doubts on our situation. Something I desperately did not wish to do. I offered to stop Broken Girl to avoid hurting him or causing anymore misunderstandings. He told me to keep writing, but that he would stop reading and have me tell him everything myself.

There is a reason that I am posting this. This was the first time I came close to hurting someone with my words and I caution my dear readers to think of possible implications that may arise from their words. I have known that some of my content should certain people (mostly my parental units) read it could blow up in my face, but I never foresaw that I could jeopardize my relationship with a rare and wonderful man.

I am not the same girl that stars in most of the posts. She was a fragile, broken creature that I glued back together. The current Girl is stronger and learned. I just wish to impart the hard truths that I learned along the way to finding this, hopefully, happy beginning.

And if he does read this I hope he knows: I love you, baby!

Faithfully,

Andrea Leigh

Girl Meets Boy The Final Act

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experience.


~Ralph Waldo Emerson



As said, I had promised to be done with him after the move. The job looked good and life was starting to get back to where it should be. I had to give in and claim bankruptcy or I would never recover but that one setback was not as bad as the last three years had been. Then he showed up.
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He had been calling and I was trying to get him to go away, but there is still that part of your heart that says 'it can work'. Even when I knew we were long past it being good or healthy, I decided to give it a try. I was not dealing with the slacking anymore though. He had to contribute to the household. The fights during this time were worse than before. This coupled with having to lie about even talking to him, much less seeing him, made me a not good person to be around.
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He started going out. The town we moved to was not very big. A major highway did run through it, but the downtown was pretty much abandoned to the locals. He made friends with some prison guards that lived around the area. He sold his car to one of them so he'd have some cash and bought another piece of crap car that had a million problems with it and came begging for money to fix it.
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Again, he could not find a job.
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The fighting intensified and there really was no spark left. I was miserable. He suggested moving in with one of his friends, the one who had bought the car. He thought that things could be worked out if we were apart. This did not sound like a bad idea.
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I came home from work one day to an empty apartment. He was not there. His things were not there. I thought nothing of it, until I noticed something else was missing: the PS2 was gone. I am not sure if I mentioned this, but my ex loved to pawn things, usually my things. If he needed money it was far easier to pawn something present than to *gasp* work for it. I called the friend he had said he would stay with and the guy had not seen him in over a week. I knew he was gone. No note on the table. Nothing indicating what was going on. He was just out of there.
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I should have been thrilled! Instead, I was devastated. I feel really bad for the Movie Gallery attendant that night. I had just rented a couple of games for the night. I had no PS2 anymore and my boyfriend had left me. I was a sobbing mess. She kindly gave me my money back instead of making me keep the games or take an in-store credit.
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It was a Friday or Saturday and I couldn't stay in the apartment. I went to the closest tourist trap, because it assured anonymity. I wanted to be around people, but not have to interact too much.
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I am not a party person. I do not drink and before that night I had never set foot in a bar alone except when a band was playing. I got adopted by a crazy drunk lady and her boyfriend. We ended up playing pool. The jukebox was all over the place. One minute it was Metallica to AFI then out of nowhere: ABBA's dancing queen.
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I could read the bouncer's expression and made a comment about the switch. He was impressed I knew who AFI was! We talked some more and I whined and told my whole story to him. He was a sympathetic ear and I foolishly thought something could come out of it. Things did go a lot farther than they probably should have, and certainly farther and quicker than I had ever done things before, but I was a woman scorned. I was hurt and angry and not in control of my emotions or much of anything else.
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A week passed before the phone call came. My 'boyfriend'/ex/the loser who abandoned me called. He had left to find work back where I had met him and this was the first time he found a phone. Ummmm.... Is it just me or don't most cities have more than one phone and it should be relatively easy to find said device. I wasn't going to have it. I told him we were done. I had 'moved on'. He hung up.
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Nothing else ever happened with the bouncer. We talked every week that he was working. In a way he was a friend or he took extreme pity on me or wondered what the hell he got himself into when he met me. Doesn't really matter sense it was just a learning experience and helped as a catalyst to officially end things.
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So that should have been it. There were maybe two more contacts with my ex.Driving the last nail in to the coffin. I finally said enough of the stupidity and stopped contact. Last year I sent him an email though. I wanted to rub it in his face how good my life is now. What a great job I have and stress free. All because he isn't in my life. It was shallow and petty, but it felt good. He had switched phone companies and I still had and old phone for it that I agreed to send to him. I had no use for it, so why not?
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I also still had some clothes and other things around. I threw them in the box too. It was over a year since we had broken up. Why did I have these things lying around? Then I found my necklace half. There is a necklace that I have always wanted to share with my chosen other; it is two entangled dragons that form a heart. The dragons seperate and each partner gets one. I dropped my half in the box and a huge weight lifted from me. This was it. The last piece that held attachment and it was going.
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I inquired if he got the package a week or so later. Part of me hoped he would say something about the necklace or other things. Why would I expect such a level of thought out of him is beyond me. Instead, he complained that I had sent the wrong phone charger with the phone. I had just given him an $80 after all the crap he had put me through and all the things he had stolen and/or pawned on me and he was bitching about a $10 charger! Guess some things never change. I never sent him the right charger. Never contacted him again.
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This past week I looked in my email and realized I still had emails from him from 2007. I deleted them all. Didn't even bother to look at a single one. I could wish it never happened, but it did. I fell to my lowest point because of him and if I hadn't I would never be where I am now. Life does turn around and when you hit bottom, you see how good it is to be on top. ^_^